SIMPLY ME

Hi. My name is Jan. I am 45 yrs old. I am a full time bookkeeper and part time clarinetist trying to become a full time private teacher.

I am also working on a book about my life with mental illness. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Munchausen Disorder. i am currently in therapy and see a psychiatrist for Prozac for depression and Trazadone for sleep issues.

This is : Simply - ME -
fuckyeahnovascotia:

Timmies   (Timmies double double and a pumpkin spice muffin)
by Liz Hargreaves

fuckyeahnovascotia:

Timmies   (Timmies double double and a pumpkin spice muffin)

by Liz Hargreaves

Unless youre a vampire, life doesnt have to suck

Nice to see some new faces on my blog

THANK YOU FOR THE SUPPORT! I SO APPRECIATE IT!!

Therapy 10/25/12 Part one

It was tough.

On Tuesday we talked about sexual issues that have happened in the past. I was unable to go into very much detail. Amazingly, I was able to open up about it to a dear friend who gives me unconditional love. That brought everything to the surface and I couldnt cope.

I kept reaching out to my therapist but she wasnt answering my emails and i ended up cutting ( alittle bit). She finally saw my msgs and asked me to come in.

She said the main thing was to get me stabilized. She asked me if I was upset about what we had talked about the other day. I said yes. She said she would like to put the topic away for a little while to get me stabilized. She said I didnt have to talk about it today, or this week, or this month.

She asked me what i had done to try to distract myself. I told her one of my favorite things to do is look at the pictures of adoptable pets on craigslist. and we started talking about animals. She asked if my dog was a comfort. I said YES and my cat too……. but the whole time im thinking - this isnt working. The issue isnt going to go away. I HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT.

hey people with BPD - a bit of advice from my friend…

It is like spilling your bowl of cereal … Just say it and let it go. Sometimes just helps the pain and feelings even just a bit

i know she meant well - but…….. really - if it were so easy…… good grief!

you cant explain to the layperson what BPD is

they just dont understand. they think its so easy to think happy thought, be positive and just - let it go. this is an illness. im not like your average person.

i dont even know what i said wrong

sad and confused

i dont understand why you follow me if you arent even going to comment, support or like anything i say.

i have all of about 3 people who really care

i realize this is probably borderline attitude - but what can i say, i have borderline

im needing a lot of support right now

i feel so alone

my first emergency therapy appointment with B :(

Today at 3

R & R

I think i will stop by the thrift store on the way home and buy a couple videos. go home to bed and watch them tonite and get in some rest and relaxation.

10-24-12

have been doing a lot of thinking. i think i can open up a bit more next time. its so scary tho. the things i think about myself and know about myself are hard to admit. to be honest about things i feel are horrible is not easy. But im doing it to get better. I think im still that horrible person. just like with the munchausens, the first step was admitting it to myself. and then to you. and i DID get better. I can do this too i hope. its like im 2 people. a kind compassionate, caring jan, and then a disgusting, sick one. I just want to take a knife and rip that part of me away. if only it were that easy. Im confused. how i got so messed up. and sad. feeling so alone right now. 

cant say the msg of support was all that comforting for what im going through. wise words to live by - but not much of a comfort.

Reply from therapist

Life is all about learning and growing.

It is not a competition or a race.

Try to find a lesson in all of your experiences and don’t judge yourself or others.

Reblog if you have met someone online that you would love to hangout with but they live too far away.

letter to therapist

trying to hang in there. tough nite/tough day today.
feeling really low. quiet/withdrawn. cried so much last nite my eyes still burn. It took a lot for me not to find something sharp and cut myself up. still fighting the urge. having anxiety and that weird floaty feeling. so many thoughts and emotions are flooding me. i just want to sleep. my head hurts. when i get home from work i just want to sleep. nearly fell asleep at my desk a bit ago.
could i ask you a favor….. can you write a little msg so when i am home and the thoughts and feeling get real bad i can come read something supportive? 
thanks, jan