I am also working on a book about my life with mental illness. I have Borderline Personality Disorder and Munchausen Disorder. i am currently in therapy and see a psychiatrist for Prozac for depression and Trazadone for sleep issues.
This is : Simply - ME -
i want to cut
Invisible -as if im in someone elses dream.
i can see them - but they cant see me.
a ghost of an image - do i dare to speak - to touch
silently passing by - brushing up against reality
it does not leave a mark
but it hurts
i am sleeping
no wait - im awake - they are sleeping
dont wake me up
i dreamed a dream
of arrows and guns and knives
kill the bad. kill the sad.
open up the wounds and let them drain
crying - salty venom
snaking around the innerds is the child
safe - back in the corner of my own imagined world
haveing a weird day.
to feel surreal.
in and out of it.
noise - traffic
hang in there
see b soon
no prisoners today
my lovely friend D
My mom’s tattoo done at Sin Alley Tattoo in Pawtucket, RI. It’s only the beginning of her full leg sleeve. Took close to 7 hours.
Start the year with an empty jar and fill it with notes about good things that happen. On New Years Eve, empty it and see what awesome stuff happened that year.
today i struggle not to write to you. I know I’m going to see you in a couple days…which i am thankful for. but i want you to know some things before i see you.I feel like im not doing so well right now. Not unstable like last week. More like, I am able to function (quite well) but on the inside im really struggling with some things.A big one right now is emotional eating. its getting out of hand. Ive struggled with this as far as I can remember and have tried to get control of it but have never been able to. Im really hoping we can spend some time on this. I dont just mean this week. but as an ongoing thing.I’m struggling with wanting to cut. I have not cut anymore but i think about it. I realized over the weekend the cut was a little deeper than I thought and I thought it was getting infected. its healing now. I just have it covered so no one will see.I’m struggling a bit with munchausens. Just in my own head. Sometimes i have fantasies and role play out my thoughts.its difficult to talk about that.im struggling with sex issues. Im not dwelling on my past but I remembered something over the weekend that might be an important clue. also difficult to talk about.all this stuff is scary……leaving me embarrassment, shame, anxiety….In a way I dont want to talk about any of it. I just want to say im fine. But on the other hand, I dont feel fine, and I know things need to be talked about.I want to talk about goals. goals for my emotional eating. goals for reading my dbt book (i think having one will help me get going on it again), goals for my social issues…..I did so good friday night (reception after performance), but then when my group went out afterward i was too afraid to go. I wanted to - i was so close. but couldnt bring myself to do it.Just wanted you to know some things before seeing you this week.also, feeling vulnerable and alone at the moment.Jan